Recently I started a new job at a new place. The very first day was super exciting and in the evening my brain was still organising the new data when I suddenly got a phone call. The police officer was telling me — my mother died unexpectedly.
No more possibilities to have a conversation, a phone call or even a quarrel. Now people are different. Some have a good relation to their parents, some have various variations of it… In my case — it was difficult. With the simplified model we have of the world, we say things like “my mom never really understood me”. In other words — the relationship was problematic. This is the moment, when relativity totally kicks in. Time stretches like a rubber band and your whole world stops for a second. She. Is. Dead.
With the years we gain knowledge and hopefully also some wisdom. In my younger years, I would have said: me vs. problem vs. mom.
These days I know it was: me and mom vs. problem.
We stood on the same side together and the problem was shouting at us like the echo of history. Yes, we can get angry and complain “but why did she not do this or that and why did she not love me more?”
When my mother died unexpectedly, I finally understood, she already did the best she could.
Born in 1941, when people thought we can solve problems using weapons, her relation to her mother was difficult, too. Something is chained or conditioned here — imprinted in genetics and such nifty inventions of nature. Rarely I have seen her in a care-free mood. Relations in general were difficult for her and keeping the house tidy was not one of her super powers. Growing up with an “astronaut dad” made things even worse. It’s when you know you have a dad but you rarely or close to never see him. It was very complicated. It took me years — actually decades to find out, why she never really had an interest to keep the house, especially her rooms tidy. One day she mentioned, that she grew up in a huge house with many rooms, some where rented to students, workers and maids. She was very talented in art and architecture.
It was one of her super powers to create fine rooms and interior design.
Each time she renovated her room to level “super-lovely” — her mom (my grandma) came and said something like “this room looks very good, we can rent it now” and gave my mom another old, dusty and boring room. My insight was, maybe she stopped making her surrounding looking great, so nobody will come along and throw her out of her lovely place.
In her later years, it was obvious that she got mentally ill — diagnosis compulsive hoarding. After many years trying to help her, I finally gave up and asked for professional support from the city council. Things got silent and I had high hopes the situation finally gets into a good direction. Since communication was a real challenge, I did not hear much from her recently. After she passed away, I found out, officials did not see any need to help her. Summary: for weeks, we have been cleaning the house. So sad. In the past months, when I told people my mother died unexpectedly, I got mainly two reactions:
“That is so sad. I am really sorry” or just — nothing.People.
Sure you can get mad about a nothing-happened-reaction but remember: it’s just the best some people have. They are simply not prepared for death. Jorge Bucay wrote an excellent book called “The road of tears” — it’s my go-to book for any situation causing grief. It’s not only about death, more about loss in general…
Finally make peace with your parents. Let go anger, grief and sorrow. Such feelings cost you so much energy with no return of “investment”. Mom and dad did the best they could — and I am very aware of little humans having nightmares in their childhood. Very.
Hopefully the fact that my mother died unexpectedly, creates also something good for us all:
- Live consciously.
- Use your time wisely.
- Clear the vibes.
If you can’t talk to you parents anymore in person, you still can take responsibility for yourself — meditation helps. Rest in peace, mom. Om shanti — namaste.